One Womans Bravery

Tonight I watched a very powerful video. A young woman speaks out and describes life in India as a female. Starting at the young age of seven and how her tutor victimized her, then how the adolescent boy spoke of things he could do to her on the internet. Her story leads to 18yrs later when she is twenty five and is brutally attack by two men. This was just the beginning, she continues to go on about a young woman savagley attack by six young men on a bus. I remember hearing this horrific encounter on the news. My heart cried for this girl, her pain and her fight. She survived the gruesome attack, she fought for weeks and finally succumed to her injuries. India could no longer deny or ignore the torment their women face everyday. In this day and age the brutal crimes against women and children has become far more severe than I could've imagined. The alarming rate of sexual violence committed on a day to day basis makes me question humanities survival. How can we continue to exist in such merciless world?

http:/www.upworthy.com/one-horrific-night-ended-a-life-and-changed-hers-forever-shes-been-unstoppable-ever-since

I want to be my own boss!

It has been awhile since my last post, getting this year off to a busy busy busy start!! yay for me. A few changes are on the way. I have decided that I would eventually like to be self employed. I have given myself a 6mo deadline to try and collect as much info as I can. I have an idea of what I can do, yes I'm afraid but who isn't. From the mouth of Steve Jobs the others that have come before you are no smarter than you are. They just had an idea! Well I have ideas all the time, I give hope & support  to others on their journey to success. Maybe if I channeled even 1/2 of that energy on my own success I can make it happen?

Let's see what I can do for myself, I will hopefully be writing about my journey and hopefully with good news!

Happy New Years everyone, enjoy your every moment with positivity and promise!

It has been some time since my last post, I don't like to blab all my business about town. However, today I'm at my limit. I have been broken literally! HEARTBROKEN, my partner, my spouse, the love of my life made it clear to me that I clearly only matter in certain frames of our home/relationship. Even worse my kids now know it too. I'm trying to push past this overwhelming feeling of sadness, hurt, disappointment and shame. Maybe through his eyes he saw things differently but through mine it's pretty evident that I am not his equal, his partner or his love. It has been 17yrs of a life I thought we built together and it seems to be shattered just in 30min. His words, his actions and the way he said them I can't forget and every time I think about it I feel this horrible pain like a   bolt of lightening is ripping through my chest. I have always thought I was pretty strong and I know he has been the only one who could ever break my heart. I was foolish to give him this power over my feelings but I truly cherished him as my partner in life.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me, to communicate has now become a burden when I used to love to talk. the awkward feeling of being in the same room has become so thick it seems to be all I can see. I have never felt lonelier than I do now, my thoughts seem overbearing and the knot in my stomach won't go away. One good thing I seemed to have lost 2lbs. the urge to simply eat is gone.

I heard this little phrase the other night:

" Marriage is hard, you have to work at it. But don't let one moment of anger ruin everything you've built. Remember, all the happy memories made it into the photo album."

Is this something I can get past? I hope, does he care? Only he knows.

 

So while I'm sitting here a Panera thinking "oh how awesome is this little vacay" it's Friday October 19th about 10am. I'm sipping my pumpkin spice latte and eating a spinach artichoke suffle', reading a book. I really think yeah this is nice I like feeling a little free with hours of time on my hands. It then kinda strikes me that oh wow in a few days I'll be 35! 1st horrow sets in, then giult for sitting in a bakery/coffee place doing nothing, then finally regret the possible failure that I have done nothing remarkable in this lifetime.

 

This is a good thing! Well at least I'm saying it's a good thing. I thought by this time I'd have conquered the the Great wall of China, been to Belize and had a fruity girly drink in Bora Bora.  As you can tell that has not yet happened, I say not because it WILL. I will turn "one day" into a date on my calender I only have to covince the rest of the household that im not insane and this is  "GOOD THING."

So to get the ball rolling, brochures alot of brochures. Next saving $$$$$$ dinero is always nice to have so I need to get me some of taht stuff. DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y'ALL! Setting the date, easier said than done. Between two high schoolers, football, basketball, baseball, track oh yeah and two fulltime jobs hmmm let's see.  I will need to be resourcefull any bright ideas?  I'm on a mission to create some memories and will stop and nothing to do it. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Badass Unicorn

After laughing for about two minutes I stop and really look at the picture. Am I a "badass unicorn"? Could I be a "badass unicorn"?

In my mind I have done it all, go-go dancing, raves, wanna be racer, tattoos, piercings and paintball. Now a days I work, cook, drive and sometimes clean (I hate cleaning). Monday is the "oh no it's Monday" kinda day. The highlight of my Tuesday is the notorious S.O.A. yes the violence is quite entertaining. Lucky Thursdays is my quilty pleasure The Shore, ugh yes I know REALLY? it's just so bad that it fabulous. Forgot about Wednesday, doesn't everybody? Friday is Varsity Football night, ending with the parents going to the local watering hole. Saturday more football and basketball games followed by dinner and Sunday = 13hrs of youth football. Yes I said 13hrs!

I'm on an adventure trying to get my badass unicorn in gear, any advise? 

Raising two teenagers isn't really difficult. They cook, clean, bathe and complain. I believe the sign on their doors should read " I stay locked in my room because there are strangers in my house." That pretty much sums it up.  Our oldest is angry, bitter at times, judgmental, smart and completely hilarious. Our youngest is unable to pry himself away from his PS3 to realize civilization still exist outside and away from the couch. My husband and I both work full time away from the home, our home time consists of dinner, TV and then bed. (really totally exciting) We try an make the best of our time as a family, dinner together at least four times a week and the usual complaining and yelling down the hall and up/down stairs (this systems is best as opposed to a speaker system) or the occasional text! We have two K9 Americans yes "dogs" but they think they're human. We adopted them almost six years ago and they totally get me, I think they can read minds? I have a mediocre life, at least I think I do. I get the opportunity to speak with someone interesting everyday. By interesting, I mean absolutely NUTS! Of course arguing that point with them would in turn send me down WHACK JOB AVE. And with open arms plenty of people would probably be waiting, scary thought is........ most of them have met me before.

Sometimes I try to breakaway from the computers, cell phones and TV and pretend that I'm a "reader" really I do try. I just picked up this book "The Sixth Key" so far pretty good, it gets a thumbs up. But while reading I notice the remote tends to creep into my hand and instantly turn to the Food Network! Really all this is gonna do is make me hungry and yearn for that scrumptious treat on TV that I can't make. Upon this I will feel frustrated and ease my pain with a sugary,chocolaty, savory something.

Well beautiful people I wish you a most wonderful day/evening, blessed with harmonious dreams. Make a wish tonight, wake up and figure how to make it come true.

Till my next somewhat witty tale......

While folding another sheet I had an epiphany. Maybe someone does want to hear my thoughts. This is for those girls that have lost their voice, for those woman who can't help but remember and mostly for my daughter who like her mother knows the pain of memories that never go away. This is for us! Time and time again young girls, young women, adult women have fallen for lack of a better word, victim to repeated assaults and violence.  We have been heard, but what we need is a cure for the cancerous forms of human beings. Are we allowed to be angry? Are we allowed to point the finger at the present danger? And if yes than how do we remain human ourselves without losing who we are to the anger we feel?

For those of you who have endured the struggle to forgive, the struggle to move on. You're not alone, I am a mother, a survivor and once a victim. My daughter like her mother has had to reach beyond the nightmare and survive herself.  We are not the minority we used to be, maybe in today's present society it's spoken of more or reported more than before.

How do we cope with the day to day trauma that we will live through, see on TV or witness in plain sight.  Everyone of us has a story or nightmare that somehow does not translate into words we can share. Sometimes the blank stare is all we might give, the shivers in the middle of the night, the cold sweats we wake up with. These are things we might not be able to share with others but they are our feeling regardless. 

To those that may read this, hold tight to what is yours for it belongs to no other. Hold tight to your heart because it knows no limit, it has no boundaries for what it may encounter. Sometimes the only thing we have left is just us and us will have to be enough.