Tuesday, November 27, 2012

It has been some time since my last post, I don't like to blab all my business about town. However, today I'm at my limit. I have been broken literally! HEARTBROKEN, my partner, my spouse, the love of my life made it clear to me that I clearly only matter in certain frames of our home/relationship. Even worse my kids now know it too. I'm trying to push past this overwhelming feeling of sadness, hurt, disappointment and shame. Maybe through his eyes he saw things differently but through mine it's pretty evident that I am not his equal, his partner or his love. It has been 17yrs of a life I thought we built together and it seems to be shattered just in 30min. His words, his actions and the way he said them I can't forget and every time I think about it I feel this horrible pain like a   bolt of lightening is ripping through my chest. I have always thought I was pretty strong and I know he has been the only one who could ever break my heart. I was foolish to give him this power over my feelings but I truly cherished him as my partner in life.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me, to communicate has now become a burden when I used to love to talk. the awkward feeling of being in the same room has become so thick it seems to be all I can see. I have never felt lonelier than I do now, my thoughts seem overbearing and the knot in my stomach won't go away. One good thing I seemed to have lost 2lbs. the urge to simply eat is gone.

I heard this little phrase the other night:

" Marriage is hard, you have to work at it. But don't let one moment of anger ruin everything you've built. Remember, all the happy memories made it into the photo album."

Is this something I can get past? I hope, does he care? Only he knows.